I wonder if the news of a loved one’s pregnancy will ever NOT make me cry all day. Will it ever get easier? Will a distant acquaintance’s sonogram photo ever loosen its grip around my throat? A throat sore from holding in emotions. Sore from trying not to cry. I even wonder if freaking celebrity pregnancy announcements will stop sending me into a tailspin for the day. Or the week.
Oh that depression. It hits hard. And fast. You don’t even have time to prepare! Waves of grief rack your entire body. And then you don’t get out of bed. All other plans have been put on hold. “How could THEY be pregnant?” “She’s like 10 years younger than me!” “They were the last couple I knew who were also childless.”
And who can I turn to for comfort? All the women in my infertility support group are now pregnant. My husband has helped me through the last 52 announcements. Is it really fair that he should have to deal with an infertile wife AND her mental breakdowns? And my younger friends without kids JUST.DON’T.GET.IT. My past confessions to them revealing my ambivalence towards kids leave no room for tears. I can’t now sob on their shoulder after extolling the benefits of a child-free life.
So I’m alone. Alone in confusion. How could I JUST have been saying self affirmations about the value of my uterus “regardless of its abilities”…..and now I’m lying on the bathroom floor crying. “Does this mean I really do want kids.” “Do I, in fact, have a maternal instinct?” “Should I pursue further fertility treatment?” “What does my reaction really mean?”
And then a few days go by. And I remember that I really can’t go back THERE. I can’t start the tests and tracking again. Or the shots. I can’t get my hopes up and be “all in” and then fail. I can’t have my life on hold while I wait week after week for that fucking period to come.
I just can’t.
If it was easy and just worked, then baby making would feel magical. And otherworldly. But it never IS. It requires TOO MUCH effort for me to ever believe it’s “meant to be.” If my husband and I could make love and the product of our love was a baby, maybe I’d feel differently.
But that is not my reality.
Whether you’re “all in” or not on this journey, feelings don’t go away. The pain of infertility doesn’t disappear even though you’ve stopped trying. It resurfaces every now and then. But that doesn’t mean you have to backtrack and call up ole “I create babies for a price” doctor. You just keep moving forward.
You step one foot and then the other into this new life you’ve created. It may be different than you imagined. Way different.
But life is still worth living and enjoying.
So I choose to return back to LIVING.
I return to serving and loving on the women in my life who are also in the struggle. We are in this together.
I GOT YOU. ♥
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