Anyone who knows me will tell you that I work tirelessly towards self improvement.
There is no stone left unturned in my search for personal healing. I have the years of therapy, self help books, life coaches, medication, AND meditation to prove it.
In the last year however there has been a shift within me. Anytime I reach outside of myself for help it doesn’t feel right. I leave feeling empty and no better off than I was before. There is a grasping and neediness to my reaching out. A lack of trust in myself and a desire for reassurance that can only be found inwards.
After all these years of reaching outwards, I feel a certainty now more than ever that my heart knows the way.
But despite this knowing, I easily fall back into craving external support. I become desperate. And I yearn for that quick hit of relief. Even if it’s temporary. Because it always is when you look beyond yourself for comfort and solace. Your heart is only momentarily calmed. Then doubt and fear resurface and you need another hit.
Today was exactly that type of day. I reached out to someone I didn’t know. To ask for help. From what I read on his website, we seemed to have similar thoughts regarding meditation. And he encouraged questions and communication.
The response back really shook me as it went against everything he preached.
In summary he suggested that I re-enter therapy and consider medication. Excuse me? Because I have anxiety during meditation. Which by the way is NORMAL?
Maybe most people upon reading this response would have just hit delete. Well…..I cried.
I cried because that is the response I so typically receive and it’s not helpful. I cried because I felt judged and shamed. I cried out of embarrassment that I was even that vulnerable.
But after I cried, something really strange happened.
I felt such an intense longing to do something I’d never done before…..smudge my house. I know, kind of weird! But I did it anyway. I had never used my smudge stick, but in that moment I felt such a need to purify my space. To cleanse whatever it was that just happened.
And then another strange thing happened, all of a sudden I needed Native American music in my life. I have NO IDEA where these two ideas came from. But the rhythmic drumming and chanting of the music made me feel like such a WARRIOR! Like I could conquer anything. I did not need to feel like a victim. I did not need to put my healing in someone else’s hands.
Because “I got this.”
I truly don’t mean this in an egotistical way. Do I believe that I have all the answers yet? Nope. Do I believe the support of friends and family is crucial to this life. Of course!
But what I also believe is that the Divine within me is the comfort I’ve been searching for all these years. THAT is what I need to reach for first in times of desperation. THAT is what I need to develop and come to know intimately.
I believe that we all have the innate wisdom needed to walk this path.
You see my path is different than yours. And only I know what my path should be and only you know yours. Believe me, I get it if you feel that you truly have no fucking idea. And some days I don’t either. But YOU are the only one who knows whether to go right or left at the crossroad.
You are such a special soul with a myriad of life experiences, all of which will determine what specific combination of healing will work for you.
For me I have a very strong knowing that a combination of Yoga, self help exercises, meditation, Buddhism, etc will work for me. Might I be wrong? Maybe. May I at some point change my mind about that combination? Most likely.
But what I definitely DO know is what DOESN’T work for me. What has harmed me. And the list above has brought me the most healing I have ever felt. Never harm. It has only ever been a warm salve spread gently over this damaged heart.
So I have chosen to have “reasonable faith” as Anodea Judith puts it. Reasonable faith in myself. In the past I have put unreasonable faith in countless OTHERS. But never myself.
So I might as well see what THIS magnificent WARRIOR has to offer.
And you know what, I’ll keep that email. I’ll keep it to remind myself that I do indeed possess all that I need to embark on this warrior’s journey.